Finding Balance: Using Yoga Tools to Set Boundaries in Relationships and Prioritize Self-Care
- rockbriarfarm
- 12 minutes ago
- 5 min read
I was thinking about my blog over the past few days knowing that it is time for me to dedicate some time to my yoga studies both Svadhyaya (self study) as well as a renewed dive into the study of yoga. While I always love sharing my musings with you, I feel that sometimes I need to refresh my own yogic education so to bring more to our proverbial party! Recently I read one of my blogs from several years ago and found that in many ways, the things that challenged me then are still what challenge me now, and I wondered have I done adequate work to address them?
In my family I am the fixer, the go-to person for all issues, and believe me, in my birth family there are plenty. There is a fine line, however, between being helpful and becoming an enabler. The latter can result in our own mental health and primary relationships being hampered. This is something that I have been challenged by for over 40 years, and yes, yoga helps. So does therapy, biking and hiking and lots of support from my primary family (namely my husband, Pete and my two adult sons, Sam and Luke). I have learned a bit about boundaries and setting limits (I do hear Peter snickering in my mind); I do believe he would concede that I have made progress. Let’s face it, it is easy to be dispassionate when it comes to acquaintances and professional relationships; when it comes to those you love, it is difficult.
Yoga has taught me about boundaries and tolerance which are helpful when dealing with challenging interpersonal situations. A yoga pose may not be right for my body, and I learn to recognize that I should accept where I am. Yoga has also helped me tolerate some discomfort; if a pose is challenging but within my acceptable boundary I will try it. In certain interpersonal situations or conversations which may become uncomfortable, I dig deep into my practice, take deep breaths, remind myself to remain calm, and reiterate my position or meaning. I have learned the power of disconnecting (blocking) or walking away from conversations that cross boundaries or become increasingly irrational or fraught. I found that I can get drawn into circular nonsensical conversations that served no one. I have begun to establish boundaries on when I am available to “help” and feel relief when I turn my phone to do not disturb so I can be present with whatever I am currently doing with family or friends. I have also learned to do it when I am alone, giving myself over to whatever activity or inactivity that I need. I have discovered that people have a way of figuring stuff out when you are not readily available to solve the problem for them!
I have also done some work around calmly and clearly communicating my boundaries which has been helpful. Mindfulness can help us take a step back from a situation so that we can see it clearly before we decide what to do. Cultivating the skill of mindfulness through my yoga practice has helped me have that tool in my quiver that I can draw on in difficult situations. One of my favorite responses of late is, “and what are you going to do about it?”
The fourth Niyama in Patanjali's Yoga Sutras is Svadhyaya, self-study. Reading spiritual or other meaningful writings can help us find a deeper understanding of ourselves, helps us define a path to living a calmer and fulfilling life without unnecessary stress.
So, in short, deep yogic breaths, quiet time, asanas to strengthen and stretch our body while letting our mind go, learning to set boundaries, tolerate discomfort, speak calmly and being true to ourselves is the best yoga practice we can practice. I believe it will support us in our most challenging times
One of my yoga students recently introduced me to a yogic guru, Sadhguru, that he has followed for many years. I have watched some of his videos and plan to read more. This short clip resonated with me very much and echoes some of what I have been thinking about. I shared it with some friends recently and they found it powerful.
Our Practice – Love For The Neck
Where do most of us hold stress? Neck and hips! I am always looking at ways to stretch and relax my neck muscles. We know that neck pain can be caused by poor posture, injury to the spine, tight muscles, and many other physiological causes. The National Institute of Health also confirms that “psychological risk factors, such as long-term stress, lack of social support, anxiety, and depression are important risk factors for neck pain”. When I am feeling stressed or anxious, I notice that my tight neck and shoulder muscles feel even worse.
I do not call full neck circles in class, for me they can exacerbate neck strain or pain, some of you may find them helpful. Instead, I like the static side to side stretch and half circles which are more comfortable and effective to stretch and reduce tension.
Neck stretches:
From a comfortable seat with tall spine, drop chin to chest without rounding over and hold.
Rotate head to the right with the right ear to the right adding right hand on head and left fingers out on the mat to deepen the stretch.
Return head to chest and go to the other side.
Hold each position for 5 smooth breaths.
From the same seated position, bring your left hand behind your body, resting your left hand on your right thigh or the floor behind you.
Drop your head to the right and hold, then repeat the stretch on the opposite side.
Hold each side for 10 smooth breaths.
Meditation on Challenging Boundaries
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” ― Dalai Lama XIV
I find this poem by Alexander Pope (which he wrote at the age of 12) to be so peaceful and calming.
Ode on Solitude
Happy the man, whose wish and care
A few paternal acres bound,
Content to breathe his native air,
In his own ground.
Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,
Whose flocks supply him with attire,
Whose trees in summer yield him shade,
In winter fire.
Blest, who can unconcernedly find
Hours, days, and years slide soft away,
In health of body, peace of mind,
Quiet by day,
Sound sleep by night; study and ease,
Together mixed; sweet recreation;
And innocence, which most does please,
With meditation.
Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me die;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lie.
See you on the mat!
Namaste,
Julia Anne
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